Fifth Post, 500 words, High Five!

It's from Borat, get it? But, I was kidding, my fifth post doesn't deserve a high five. I apologize for the overuse of punctuation, I am comma crazy.

Before I begin my rant on things that my classmates do not give a *cuss word* about I want to say this: I am very hard on myself, more than is healthy for me, and that whole "I'm my own worst critic" thing is really true in my case. Whether it is about my writing, or especially cheerleading, I don't give myself enough credit majority of the time.

Alright, so I had my tumbling class earlier. I love tumbling. I started gymnastics when I was young and fell in love with it. It completes me. So, that being said, or typed actually, it is very important to me.

I have this problem where I set the bar really high for myself, so I have to work myself hard to get to where I want to be. This probably doesn't seem like a problem to most people. This sounds like motivation. It isn't. I set myself up for disappointment. I set the bar just high enough that I cannot reach it. My arms are flailing, I'm standing on my tip-toes, I can see it from where I'm struggling, but it will be just far enough away that I won't be able to reach it. Every single time.

I did this to myself today.

I, for some odd, unexplainable reason, expected myself to do my full perfectly with a spot on the trampoline. This is after about a month without being spotted on a full, and with a spotter I have never worked with on the particular skill. On top of this slight pressure which was digging into my brain and psyching me out completely, I was doing exceptionally bad on my drills today. No matter how many times I tried, I could not complete a full rotation.

I honestly wanted to cry. That sounds lame, but anyone who truly cares about something they do (sports, geometry, I don't know) will be upset when it suddenly becomes a struggle, a fight even, to keep going with it. When you stop enjoying something that is such a big part of your life, even for just a millisecond, it hits you hard.

I was beyond angry with myself, and almost caused two car accidents on the way home. I'm pretty good at driving while I'm crying, but while I'm angry I drive worse than someone under the influence. I guess I finally just kind of smacked myself on the forehead, had a "should have had a V-8" moment and realized if I am only as good of a cheerleader as I am on my worst day, I'm still pretty darn good.

So, I'm insecure? I guess that is this week's conclusion. Sigh. I hate blogging. I feel like I'm writing into a diary but then it occurs to me that just about anyone can read this.